Journal

Not Time for a Nap

2008-03-19T15:33:18Z

Samuel Jason

2007-12-24T15:30:20Z

We've been blessed! Born 12/24/07 at a lean, mean 7 pounds 9 ounces. Samuel Jason is 19.5 inches long and full of cuteness.

April is the Cruelest Month

2007-04-23T06:07:00Z

TS Eliot knew what he was talking about. Anxiety and depression burst in on me every April. Spring's light shines mercilessly on me, and I'm aware of how little I am against the tsunami of what I should be. I fall short everywhere I look.

Can we change who we are? I've been making feeble attempts to leap beyond my fears, but they are feeble attempts. I'm indecisive and project insecurity. Staying where I am is safe, although difficult. I have a history there. Leaving feels like a failure because it means I'm unable to triumph over the difficult situation, to be strong enough to master it and get what I want. Truly stuck, and suffering over it.

Mission Statement (draft?)

2007-03-12T07:51:00Z

My Values

- Courage
- Creativity
- Faith
- Fortitude
- Gratitude
- Honesty
- Hope
- Integrity
- Leadership
- Loyalty
- Problem-Solving
- Productivity
- Respect
- Service

My Mission Statement

I give thanks for my life. I feel joy in work, in organizing and directing my energy to improve myself and contribute to the world. I delve into puzzles and enjoy life-long learning.

I'm not afraid to fail often and keep trying. I seek out positive and inspiring people, and treat others as I wish to be treated. I can grow by taking more risks, by being open to new people, experiences, and challenges. I will change what I can, accept what I can't change, and know the difference.

With my family and friends I will create positive experiences, seeking opportunities for togetherness and being present. I will be attentive and serve my loved ones, encouraging, and supporting them on their path. I open my heart and home to connect with others around common interests.

At work, I will create and maintain quality products. To serve the goals of my company I will understand key business issues and be sensitive to the needs of our users. I will have good relationships with co-workers and business partners to foster creativity and meet common goals.

To serve the community I will support organizations that provide housing, healthcare, and/or vocational training for those in need.

2006: The Year in Review

2007-01-01T02:43:00Z

For our first anniversary David and I visited Mount Holyoke College and Western Massachusetts.
Buzz launched the South Bronx Classical Charter School. I designed and built a website for him.
I redesigned TaraLand and TaraLand Productions.
David spent three weeks in July working on the Roller Coaster Tour with his friend Ira.
I took an 'Introduction to Wine' class on the North Fork of Long Island. Great class and beautiful area!
Took 'Speaking with Confidence' at NYU to improve communication and presentation skills.
David took 'Object Oriented Programming' at NYU.
I visited Alexa at Cornell in August.
I got pregnant for the first time, and had a miscarriage at 9 weeks on Thanksgiving.
We bought a car, a Toyota Highlander.
We bought a house in West Orange, New Jersey. I'm out of the city after ten years!

Relief

2006-11-24T00:07:00Z

I don't know what to expect - I've never miscarried before. Is it 'bang, bang', you're done? Does it take three days? Does it really feel like labor? I can answer a few of those questions now. I've been writhing for the past four hours. It is painful, my uterus was contracting really tightly, but nothing was coming out. There was no position that was comfortable. The Tylenol codeine I took did essentially nothing but make me want to sleep.

Then at 1:45, for lack of better action, I leaned over the bathroom counter and inspected my face in the mirror. Any zits to check? Somehow my body relaxed. Such relief. My body was draining but there were no contractions. There I was for ten minutes, looking at my face in the mirror. Then I had to go, and I passed the yolk sac. I wish I got a good look at it, but from what I saw it was about the size and shape of a small plum tomato.

That was 20 minutes ago, and I still feel pretty good. Tired though. It might be time for a nap.

How I'm feeling

2006-11-23T21:14:00Z

My office is set up here in the bathroom, with my laptop, my cell phone, and my sudoku puzzle book right near me. The door is mostly closed, but I occassionally open it to talk to my David, who is a real trooper through this experience. I'm a little ashamed to have David see me camped on the toilet like this - It feels like the miscarriage has showed both of us more of my body and it's processes then either of us were aware of or comfortable with before.

We found out that my pregnancy was a blighted ovum three weeks ago. A blighted ovum means that there was a pregnancy, the yolk sak is present, but the embryo died early on. At 5 weeks we had a normal sonogram. At 7 weeks there were expecting to see a heartbeat and a little fetus but didn't. We spent two hours at a radiologists to get another more accurate sonogram, and they didn't see anything either. To be safe, I decided to wait another week in the hope that maybe the sonograms were wrong. At 9 weeks it was confirmed that I will miscarry. My options were to have a D&C (essentially vacuuming all the tissue out of my uterus), take medicine that will induce the miscarriage, or wait. I wanted to wait and let my body do what it will do naturally.

In the past three weeks we bought a house. Work has been intense and difficult. Throughout I have essentially been waiting. Waiting for my life to continue, to feel like my normal self again, to go to the gym. While it was early, as soon as you suspect you are pregnant your brain starts planning and visualizing the future. What will we be like as parents? Will our baby be cute? Will birth be very painful? We named it Little Squeezy Lawner after we got the first sonogram picture. I wrote it a letter last week, wondering whether it wasn't ready for the world or I wasn't ready for it.

There is some mourning, but also waiting. It's time for my life to continue. I'm ready to get this thing out of me. I started spotting this week, gradually very lightly, and yesterday a little heavier.

I've been camped in the bathroom for 2 hours now. I took a pain pill one hour ago. I am in pain, maybe I should take another one. Having this experience has taught me what it feels like to be pregnant, to anticipate motherhood in my life. Perhaps it has given me a little glimpse of what it's like to go through labor too.

Thankfulness List 11/20/06

2006-11-21T03:42:00Z

Today I am thankful for:

Being able to work from home in the comfort of my pajamas
Eric - for commiserating with me and being a voice of sanity in an otherwise crazy and distorted, muffled environment
Maxwell's furry loving and cuteness
David - for spooning with me in the morning
Mom - for calling and chatting with me

Missed my Volunteer Opportunity

2006-04-24T22:15:10Z

The flu pre-empted all my plans this weekend, including the New York Cares Hands on New York Day on Saturday. I'm disappointed because this was an easy opportunity to meet our goal to volunteer more, and we would have been doing gardening cleanup work which is one of my favorite things to do.

See more progress on: Volunteer

Hardware Sale!

2006-03-24T14:51:42Z

Last week my husband’s company held a hardware lottery and we bought an old Dell Precision 620 for $75. They wanted to get rid of some old stuff and we were lucky enough to win our pick of what they had. It has a Dual Xeon 1Ghz process and is maxed out at 512 MB of RAM. It’s a far cry better than the desktop we have now. This weekend I’m going to put a new hard-drive in it and we’re ready to go!

In the fall I want to build my mom a new computer. It has to be high-performing, reliable, and with a lot of storage. I have a new hard drive for it and am going to start shopping for other parts later in the summer.

See more progress on: Build a computer

The Color Purple on Broadway

2006-03-22T15:05:47Z

We won tickets to see The Color Purple on Broadway last week. I enjoyed the musical very much, so I'd like to also see the movie version because it is considered a modern classic

Reading The Fellowship of the Ring

2006-03-22T15:03:41Z

The Fellowship of the Ring (The Lord of the Rings, Book 1)

by J. R. R. Tolkien

I am reading Lord of the Rings during my subway commute and am 3/4 of the way through now. This is one of those books that I know I will need to read again to appreciate its dense setting. I can’t help but get the impression that it was meant to be read aloud slowly to a little kid as a bedtime story.

The Blood Bank's Calling

2006-03-22T14:59:38Z

They not only call, but send email reminders as well! It’s that time again, so I set up an appointment early on Friday morning.

Reading Time! The Great Gatsby

2006-03-02T02:17:18Z

I've read some Great Books that I have completely forgotten about, or did not appreciate because I was too immature or inexperienced to understand them. Lately I've been re-reading some of these books to exercise the cobwebs out of my dusty brain and learn a little more.

A few weeks ago I finished The Great Gatsby again and it's a great example. On second reading it is one of the best American Novels of the 20th century, but can a high school student appreciate it? As a junior I certainly didn't understand the world they were living in. It took place in the early twentieth century on Long Island. I knew nothing of social economics, of an environment where money was quickly made and some people had enough that they weren't obligated to anything but their own leisure. What were these shrill, empty characters full of wandering selfishness all about? Daisy was a sing-song light-headed girl, and Jay Gatsby was a shady guy trying to buy his way into something.

It's fifteen years later now and the novel just breaks my heart. Part of it is being grown-up I think, and living in New York City and seeing how the pulse of the economy and public opinion and making a living can wildly elevate or topple people and their hopes. Gatsby embodies the American Dream of self-definition and character improvement. It's pretty obvious - Fitzgerald alludes to him following Benjamin Franklin's 13 Virtues. The false belief that he can buy back the past in a callous and selfish world is what breaks Jay Gatsby. Time marches on.

Anyway, that's my book report for this week. What's next on the list? I'm on my first ever read of The Lord of the Rings.

Blizzard Apple Pie

2006-02-17T15:00:00Z

We got 27 inches of snow in NYC Saturday night. It was beautiful. On Sunday morning my niece braved the beautiful snowdrifts to come visit, and we had a blast! I met her half-way in my snow-suit and we walked back to my apartment slowly, plowing through the snow with our legs and making smiley faces with icicles. Once we were warm and dried off at home, we made the Best Home-Made Apple Pie Ever. I used Grandma Ople's Apple Pie recipe from allrecipes.com. We used Crispin apples and substituted margarine instead of butter. V. helped peel and core the apples, and she cut an elaborate vent pattern for the top crust.