How I'm feeling
My office is set up here in the bathroom, with my laptop, my cell phone, and my sudoku puzzle book right near me. The door is mostly closed, but I occassionally open it to talk to my David, who is a real trooper through this experience. I'm a little ashamed to have David see me camped on the toilet like this - It feels like the miscarriage has showed both of us more of my body and it's processes then either of us were aware of or comfortable with before.
We found out that my pregnancy was a blighted ovum three weeks ago. A blighted ovum means that there was a pregnancy, the yolk sak is present, but the embryo died early on. At 5 weeks we had a normal sonogram. At 7 weeks there were expecting to see a heartbeat and a little fetus but didn't. We spent two hours at a radiologists to get another more accurate sonogram, and they didn't see anything either. To be safe, I decided to wait another week in the hope that maybe the sonograms were wrong. At 9 weeks it was confirmed that I will miscarry. My options were to have a D&C (essentially vacuuming all the tissue out of my uterus), take medicine that will induce the miscarriage, or wait. I wanted to wait and let my body do what it will do naturally.
In the past three weeks we bought a house. Work has been intense and difficult. Throughout I have essentially been waiting. Waiting for my life to continue, to feel like my normal self again, to go to the gym. While it was early, as soon as you suspect you are pregnant your brain starts planning and visualizing the future. What will we be like as parents? Will our baby be cute? Will birth be very painful? We named it Little Squeezy Lawner after we got the first sonogram picture. I wrote it a letter last week, wondering whether it wasn't ready for the world or I wasn't ready for it.
There is some mourning, but also waiting. It's time for my life to continue. I'm ready to get this thing out of me. I started spotting this week, gradually very lightly, and yesterday a little heavier.
I've been camped in the bathroom for 2 hours now. I took a pain pill one hour ago. I am in pain, maybe I should take another one. Having this experience has taught me what it feels like to be pregnant, to anticipate motherhood in my life. Perhaps it has given me a little glimpse of what it's like to go through labor too.
We found out that my pregnancy was a blighted ovum three weeks ago. A blighted ovum means that there was a pregnancy, the yolk sak is present, but the embryo died early on. At 5 weeks we had a normal sonogram. At 7 weeks there were expecting to see a heartbeat and a little fetus but didn't. We spent two hours at a radiologists to get another more accurate sonogram, and they didn't see anything either. To be safe, I decided to wait another week in the hope that maybe the sonograms were wrong. At 9 weeks it was confirmed that I will miscarry. My options were to have a D&C (essentially vacuuming all the tissue out of my uterus), take medicine that will induce the miscarriage, or wait. I wanted to wait and let my body do what it will do naturally.
In the past three weeks we bought a house. Work has been intense and difficult. Throughout I have essentially been waiting. Waiting for my life to continue, to feel like my normal self again, to go to the gym. While it was early, as soon as you suspect you are pregnant your brain starts planning and visualizing the future. What will we be like as parents? Will our baby be cute? Will birth be very painful? We named it Little Squeezy Lawner after we got the first sonogram picture. I wrote it a letter last week, wondering whether it wasn't ready for the world or I wasn't ready for it.
There is some mourning, but also waiting. It's time for my life to continue. I'm ready to get this thing out of me. I started spotting this week, gradually very lightly, and yesterday a little heavier.
I've been camped in the bathroom for 2 hours now. I took a pain pill one hour ago. I am in pain, maybe I should take another one. Having this experience has taught me what it feels like to be pregnant, to anticipate motherhood in my life. Perhaps it has given me a little glimpse of what it's like to go through labor too.
