We've been blessed! Born 12/24/07 at a lean, mean 7 pounds 9 ounces. Samuel Jason is 19.5 inches long and full of cuteness.
TS Eliot knew what he was talking about. Anxiety and depression burst in on me every April. Spring's light shines mercilessly on me, and I'm aware of how little I am against the tsunami of what I should be. I fall short everywhere I look.
Can we change who we are? I've been making feeble attempts to leap beyond my fears, but they are feeble attempts. I'm indecisive and project insecurity. Staying where I am is safe, although difficult. I have a history there. Leaving feels like a failure because it means I'm unable to triumph over the difficult situation, to be strong enough to master it and get what I want. Truly stuck, and suffering over it.
Can we change who we are? I've been making feeble attempts to leap beyond my fears, but they are feeble attempts. I'm indecisive and project insecurity. Staying where I am is safe, although difficult. I have a history there. Leaving feels like a failure because it means I'm unable to triumph over the difficult situation, to be strong enough to master it and get what I want. Truly stuck, and suffering over it.
My Values
- Courage
- Creativity
- Faith
- Fortitude
- Gratitude
- Honesty
- Hope
- Integrity
- Leadership
- Loyalty
- Problem-Solving
- Productivity
- Respect
- Service
My Mission Statement
I give thanks for my life. I feel joy in work, in organizing and directing my energy to improve myself and contribute to the world. I delve into puzzles and enjoy life-long learning.
I'm not afraid to fail often and keep trying. I seek out positive and inspiring people, and treat others as I wish to be treated. I can grow by taking more risks, by being open to new people, experiences, and challenges. I will change what I can, accept what I can't change, and know the difference.
With my family and friends I will create positive experiences, seeking opportunities for togetherness and being present. I will be attentive and serve my loved ones, encouraging, and supporting them on their path. I open my heart and home to connect with others around common interests.
At work, I will create and maintain quality products. To serve the goals of my company I will understand key business issues and be sensitive to the needs of our users. I will have good relationships with co-workers and business partners to foster creativity and meet common goals.
To serve the community I will support organizations that provide housing, healthcare, and/or vocational training for those in need.
- Courage
- Creativity
- Faith
- Fortitude
- Gratitude
- Honesty
- Hope
- Integrity
- Leadership
- Loyalty
- Problem-Solving
- Productivity
- Respect
- Service
My Mission Statement
I give thanks for my life. I feel joy in work, in organizing and directing my energy to improve myself and contribute to the world. I delve into puzzles and enjoy life-long learning.
I'm not afraid to fail often and keep trying. I seek out positive and inspiring people, and treat others as I wish to be treated. I can grow by taking more risks, by being open to new people, experiences, and challenges. I will change what I can, accept what I can't change, and know the difference.
With my family and friends I will create positive experiences, seeking opportunities for togetherness and being present. I will be attentive and serve my loved ones, encouraging, and supporting them on their path. I open my heart and home to connect with others around common interests.
At work, I will create and maintain quality products. To serve the goals of my company I will understand key business issues and be sensitive to the needs of our users. I will have good relationships with co-workers and business partners to foster creativity and meet common goals.
To serve the community I will support organizations that provide housing, healthcare, and/or vocational training for those in need.
- For our first anniversary David and I visited Mount Holyoke College and Western Massachusetts.
- Buzz launched the South Bronx Classical Charter School. I designed and built a website for him.
- I redesigned TaraLand and TaraLand Productions.
- David spent three weeks in July working on the Roller Coaster Tour with his friend Ira.
- I took an 'Introduction to Wine' class on the North Fork of Long Island. Great class and beautiful area!
- Took 'Speaking with Confidence' at NYU to improve communication and presentation skills.
- David took 'Object Oriented Programming' at NYU.
- I visited Alexa at Cornell in August.
- I got pregnant for the first time, and had a miscarriage at 9 weeks on Thanksgiving.
- We bought a car, a Toyota Highlander.
- We bought a house in West Orange, New Jersey. I'm out of the city after ten years!
I don't know what to expect - I've never miscarried before. Is it 'bang, bang', you're done? Does it take three days? Does it really feel like labor? I can answer a few of those questions now. I've been writhing for the past four hours. It is painful, my uterus was contracting really tightly, but nothing was coming out. There was no position that was comfortable. The Tylenol codeine I took did essentially nothing but make me want to sleep.
Then at 1:45, for lack of better action, I leaned over the bathroom counter and inspected my face in the mirror. Any zits to check? Somehow my body relaxed. Such relief. My body was draining but there were no contractions. There I was for ten minutes, looking at my face in the mirror. Then I had to go, and I passed the yolk sac. I wish I got a good look at it, but from what I saw it was about the size and shape of a small plum tomato.
That was 20 minutes ago, and I still feel pretty good. Tired though. It might be time for a nap.
Then at 1:45, for lack of better action, I leaned over the bathroom counter and inspected my face in the mirror. Any zits to check? Somehow my body relaxed. Such relief. My body was draining but there were no contractions. There I was for ten minutes, looking at my face in the mirror. Then I had to go, and I passed the yolk sac. I wish I got a good look at it, but from what I saw it was about the size and shape of a small plum tomato.
That was 20 minutes ago, and I still feel pretty good. Tired though. It might be time for a nap.
My office is set up here in the bathroom, with my laptop, my cell phone, and my sudoku puzzle book right near me. The door is mostly closed, but I occassionally open it to talk to my David, who is a real trooper through this experience. I'm a little ashamed to have David see me camped on the toilet like this - It feels like the miscarriage has showed both of us more of my body and it's processes then either of us were aware of or comfortable with before.
We found out that my pregnancy was a blighted ovum three weeks ago. A blighted ovum means that there was a pregnancy, the yolk sak is present, but the embryo died early on. At 5 weeks we had a normal sonogram. At 7 weeks there were expecting to see a heartbeat and a little fetus but didn't. We spent two hours at a radiologists to get another more accurate sonogram, and they didn't see anything either. To be safe, I decided to wait another week in the hope that maybe the sonograms were wrong. At 9 weeks it was confirmed that I will miscarry. My options were to have a D&C (essentially vacuuming all the tissue out of my uterus), take medicine that will induce the miscarriage, or wait. I wanted to wait and let my body do what it will do naturally.
In the past three weeks we bought a house. Work has been intense and difficult. Throughout I have essentially been waiting. Waiting for my life to continue, to feel like my normal self again, to go to the gym. While it was early, as soon as you suspect you are pregnant your brain starts planning and visualizing the future. What will we be like as parents? Will our baby be cute? Will birth be very painful? We named it Little Squeezy Lawner after we got the first sonogram picture. I wrote it a letter last week, wondering whether it wasn't ready for the world or I wasn't ready for it.
There is some mourning, but also waiting. It's time for my life to continue. I'm ready to get this thing out of me. I started spotting this week, gradually very lightly, and yesterday a little heavier.
I've been camped in the bathroom for 2 hours now. I took a pain pill one hour ago. I am in pain, maybe I should take another one. Having this experience has taught me what it feels like to be pregnant, to anticipate motherhood in my life. Perhaps it has given me a little glimpse of what it's like to go through labor too.
We found out that my pregnancy was a blighted ovum three weeks ago. A blighted ovum means that there was a pregnancy, the yolk sak is present, but the embryo died early on. At 5 weeks we had a normal sonogram. At 7 weeks there were expecting to see a heartbeat and a little fetus but didn't. We spent two hours at a radiologists to get another more accurate sonogram, and they didn't see anything either. To be safe, I decided to wait another week in the hope that maybe the sonograms were wrong. At 9 weeks it was confirmed that I will miscarry. My options were to have a D&C (essentially vacuuming all the tissue out of my uterus), take medicine that will induce the miscarriage, or wait. I wanted to wait and let my body do what it will do naturally.
In the past three weeks we bought a house. Work has been intense and difficult. Throughout I have essentially been waiting. Waiting for my life to continue, to feel like my normal self again, to go to the gym. While it was early, as soon as you suspect you are pregnant your brain starts planning and visualizing the future. What will we be like as parents? Will our baby be cute? Will birth be very painful? We named it Little Squeezy Lawner after we got the first sonogram picture. I wrote it a letter last week, wondering whether it wasn't ready for the world or I wasn't ready for it.
There is some mourning, but also waiting. It's time for my life to continue. I'm ready to get this thing out of me. I started spotting this week, gradually very lightly, and yesterday a little heavier.
I've been camped in the bathroom for 2 hours now. I took a pain pill one hour ago. I am in pain, maybe I should take another one. Having this experience has taught me what it feels like to be pregnant, to anticipate motherhood in my life. Perhaps it has given me a little glimpse of what it's like to go through labor too.
Today I am thankful for:
- Being able to work from home in the comfort of my pajamas
- Eric - for commiserating with me and being a voice of sanity in an otherwise crazy and distorted, muffled environment
- Maxwell's furry loving and cuteness
- David - for spooning with me in the morning
- Mom - for calling and chatting with me
The flu pre-empted all my plans this weekend, including the New York Cares Hands on New York Day on Saturday. I'm disappointed because this was an easy opportunity to meet our goal to volunteer more, and we would have been doing gardening cleanup work which is one of my favorite things to do.
See more progress on: Volunteer
See more progress on: Volunteer
Last week my husband’s company held a hardware lottery and we bought an old Dell Precision 620 for $75. They wanted to get rid of some old stuff and we were lucky enough to win our pick of what they had. It has a Dual Xeon 1Ghz process and is maxed out at 512 MB of RAM. It’s a far cry better than the desktop we have now. This weekend I’m going to put a new hard-drive in it and we’re ready to go!
In the fall I want to build my mom a new computer. It has to be high-performing, reliable, and with a lot of storage. I have a new hard drive for it and am going to start shopping for other parts later in the summer.
See more progress on: Build a computer
